Fucking DUANE!!!!

When I was sixteen, I got my first job as a waitress at Pizza Hut. That was back when Pizza Hut actually had wait staff, and you could sit down and actually have beer there!

I worked there off and on for about 3 years. After I had been there about a year, we got a new server. Duane. Fucking Duane.

Duane was best friends with Robbie, who I thought could stop time, move mountains, and turn water into wine. Robbie was the shit. I also believe he started me on the path of preferring men with red hair, isn't that lucky for me now?

Unfortunately, Robbie wouldn't give me the time of day. We were friends, and no matter how many anvils I dropped on his head, he just wasn't going for this. I couldn't figure it out! I was in my prime! Young, Nubile, Fit, a child with an unclouded brow of wonder. What the fuck was his problem?!? Duane was his problem. Fucking Duane!

Like I said, Duane was a cool guy. I liked him a lot. I even gave him a Bruce Lee poster for his birthday, and one of those Weasel Ball toys. I just didn't have those kind of feelings for him. And I TOLD him this, time and time again. Every time he asked me out. "Thank you Duane, but I just don't feel that way about you."

Isn't that the most direct, honest, and therefore best way to tell someone you aren't interested?

Now, through the stalkerly glory of Myspace, Duane has found me again. Oh, joy. We emailed each other a little bit back and forth, mostly me gushing over Bobi, until he said something to the effect of "I was so head over heels for you". Actually he said "head over heals". Gah. To which I replied:

Yeah I remember that. Because I had such a crush on Robbie, and he wouldn't really give me the time of day. Our silly pizza hut love triangle. Oh well, we were so young!

And got THIS in response...

lol yeah you hit the nail on the head there i allways felt that you wanted me a little bit but just not enough to take the plunge but thats good i needed to go through all my bullshit with adriane to really mature and that took quite some time if we had worked together now you wouldnt be able to resist me i know im not the best looking guy but i have learned to work with what i got i still dont think ur a bitch i want to say thank you for allways treating me well a lot of people in bville were so two faced and i usually didnt find out till it was too late but not you a few years after i left thew hut i ran into the other beth her last name escapes me at this time i was at murphys in flo town fukked up out my mine and skied up on powder and i was like making rather lewd but sweet comments to her im glad her hubby wasnt around lol oh god that shit was funny i can be such a pimp when im drunk

What the fuck? So I said...


Erm. What?

I liked you as a person, as a friend. I knew you had a crush on me, but no...I never actually wanted to "go there". Nothing against you, and it's not because of looks. Like I said, I had a thing for Robbie. BIG TIME. As far as treating you well goes...well, I try to always treat people respectfully until they piss me the fuck off.

Furthermore...

'Fukked' is not a word. If you are going to say something, say it right. And, 'skied up on powder'? Trust me, if you ever thought I couldn't resist you, there's the one thing you could say to ensure that I can resist you. For all time. First of all, I have a boyfriend. A great one. Secondly, I hate that shit. I don't touch it, I don't go near it, and I don't go around people who use it. I know you were a cool person once. So please, to keep yourself from losing any further cool points, don't do that shit! And if you are going to do it, don't talk to me about it. Seriously.

There is no such thing as 'lewd but sweet'. It's one or the other, so it was probably lewd. And if you had come up to ME drunk and 'skied up' and making lewd comments, I would have resolutely and unceremoniously punched you in the face, don't need a husband to do it for me. Don't you have a girlfriend?

You know that people use a period to complete a sentance, Duane. Try it, it's neat. Just because it's the internet doesn't mean it's a bad grammar free-for-all, okay?

Have fun at the show tommorow night, and stay away from the blow.


Was that too much?

[EDIT]
My friend Skin just sent me this postcard from HBO.com, from one of the greatest shows EVER, Carnivale...