Monday, May 10, 2010

As Promised...

Here the bit of writing I've been working on. I've only posted the first 3 chapters, when I got up from my computer today I had just finished 12.

It is a Pride & Prejudice story (naturally, you didn't think I was reading all of those Darcy books for the hell of it, did you?).

IF you are interested I will give you a little backstory. Just after WWII, Lt. Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam meets a young Elizabeth Bennet while on vacation in Charleston, SC. Three years later, Elizabeth is home from college when a young wealthy bachelor named Mr. Bingley buys the property closest to her family's home, Longbourn Farm.

I've stuck with the basics of the P&P plot, with a few changes. It's relatively easy to transplant the characters into the south, a lot southern people (sorry, but especially older folks) still use a very proper way of speaking so that helps.

In any case, I'm trying to get more chapters ready for upload, if anyone cares. In the meantime, here are a couple of exchanges that I was kind of proud of. The first is between Lizzy and Jane, and the second between Lizzy and Darcy. Feedback is welcome, but be gentle, I'm fragile in the region of my Ego.

::Mr. Bingley Stuffs His Face::
 Elizabeth, smiling at Jane said, “You would think that your Mr. Bingley had never had eaten before the way he inhaled that food.” Jane blushed, thinking she’d barely touched her food for watching Mr. Bingley eat.

“He did tell me that neither of his sisters ever learned to cook. They have a cook but Mr. Bingley gave her a month off to visit her daughter in Raleigh. I think he’s been having to make do with Caroline’s cooking for the past few weeks.”

“Ah, that explains it then. I think Mama took it as a great compliment to you. Though how she figures a man stuffing eight pieces of chicken in his mouth is a compliment to a lady, I’ll never understand.”

“It was hardly eight pieces, but I understand your point.” Jane sighed dreamily, as if stuffing his face with fried chicken was the most romantic thing she’d ever seen. Elizabeth was determined, however, to be diplomatic.

::Mr. Darcy is tricked into helping Elizabeth in her garden::
Bent to her work, she didn’t speak, and he decided to break the silence first.

“Can I help you with that, Miss Elizabeth?”
Without looking up she said, “And muss that fine crease? How could I live with myself, Mr. Darcy? No, if you don’t mind your current employment, this’ll be but a moment’s work.” He shook his head, surprised to find himself enjoying her teasing barbs. Something else occurred to him and he broke the silence again.

“May I ask you a question?”

“You may.”

“Your father mentioned you went to college.”

“That, Mr. Darcy, was not a question, as any college-educated lady could tell you.”

“Thank you, Miss Elizabeth. I was going to ask what you studied.”


Traxy said...

How old is Richard (good choice of name! ;)) meant to be? Older than her, but by how much? Not that it really matters, I'm in love with him either way! Chapter 2 made me melt and I couldn't help but smile, and if I didn't have a toothbrush in my mouth, I would've squeed! :D The thing where she can call him Dick and she prefers not to made me giggle. I'm with her on that one!

I'm finding the fact that she's called "Elizabeth Bennett" a bit distracting. I was a bit confused as well, as things seem to move at a very quick pace between her and Richard and I was thinking "but in what way is he all proud and Darcy-like?", but then, of course, in chapter three, we are introduced to Mr. Darcy, and I hazard a guess to say he's the REAL romantic interest for Lizzie - Richard (bless him) was just a decoy! (Right? Right?? Aww, but if Lizzie doesn't want him, can I have him? Puh-weeeeeeease?)

The only other constructive criticism I have at the mo is that every person who says something should do so on a new line. You do some of this, but not enough, so it gets a little confusing to read sometimes. And possibly look at eliminating some of adverbs (pesky critters!), or rephrase some so that they're still descriptors but not adverbs as such.

I'd love to read more of this story. It's starting out well so far! It's colourful and flows really well and I'm curious to find out where it's going to lead! Well done! :D

Traxy said...

Oh. Shows how used to I am... heh. You've got LOADS more chapters on there, I just noticed! :D Excellent!

Bee said...

Woo! Thank you!

I have a problem with Adverbs. I'm sorta addicted to them. I'm on the patch, we'll see how it goes...

I wanted to write my own little love letter to Colonel Fitzwilliam, because I love an underdog. Of course it has to be a Darcy/Lizzy story, or people will try to kill you in your sleep.

I've also just been made aware that I was letting MS Word auto correct so that every time I meant to say 'whether' it says 'weather'. I'm still learning, dammit! But please keep correcting me if you see me doing something abysmally stupid. I also tried to do the dialog like you suggested in the later chapters. Hope I see more of 'Country Roads' soon, btw!

Bee said...

P.S. I only made Richard a year older than Darcy, so when Lizzie meets him on the beach he's like 27. A little pervy considering Lizzie is only 18 at the time, but I've heard of worse!

Selga said...

Hey, when you become a rich and famous author, can I have a job as something like... bag bitch? Meaning I'll carry around your luggage/grocery bags/cat poo bags/under-eye bags. Think about it. We'll do lunch. P.S. My verification word is "houtge", which I imagine to sound like "hoot-gay".

Bee said... want to play the part of 'Kitty Stink-Away?' be my guest!

I kind of doubt it will be necessary. I shall continue to carry my own cat poo bags.

You so silly. verification word is 'arvar'...which of course makes me think of STUPID ANTEATERS!!!! Mangy old Baboon! Raul Julia and Canadian SciFi! Flavofides! Drink some Reconst!

Okay I'm done. I really hope you remember that movie or the above postscript just sounds nuts.